I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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