i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
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The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
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And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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