I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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