Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
