...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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