if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
