You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
