My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
