Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I supernannyed him into submission
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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