Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
