You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
