here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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