everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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