my phone needs a breathalizer
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
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