I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I've blown a few things in my day
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
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I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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