have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
