I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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