Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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