Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
