I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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