I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
