can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
