I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
