I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
