so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
