if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
