Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
