Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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