Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
