he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
