I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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