I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
