i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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