Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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