cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize
