im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
