i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
