I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
