hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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