Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
