Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
