eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i think i have two assholes
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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