i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
