you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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