i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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