he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
