i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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