The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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