Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
