I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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