i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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