Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize