Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
