My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
