New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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