The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
