We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Alive.
So much puke
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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