I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
